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25+ Famous Joan Rivers Quotes, Sayings & Quotations

Explore and Share Popular Joan Rivers Quotes, Sayings, Quotations, Slogans etc. Enjoy These Joan Rivers Quotes By Sharing With Your Friends, Relatives and Love One’s On Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter, Gmail, etc. Joan Alexandra Molinsky, widely known as Joan Rivers, was an American comedian, actress, writer, producer, and television host noted for her often controversial comedic persona—alternatingly self-deprecating

Famous Joan Rivers Quotes

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

 Great Joan Rivers Quotes

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.


If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Never floss with a stranger.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

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