Read and Share Famous Steven Wright Quotes, Sayings, Quotations, Slogans etc. Enjoy These Steven Wright Quotes By Sharing With Your Friends, Relatives and Love One’s On Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter, Gmail, etc. Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer.
Popular Steven Wright Quotes
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How young can you die of old age?
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Nice Steven Wright Quotes
I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.Advertisement
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Best Steven Wright Quotes
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that much time.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’